Hollywood Babble-On 127

Episode: Link.
Comments: "Recorded live at the Hollywood Improv on May 24, 2013."
Runtime: 1:31:44
Recorded Fri. 24th May, 2013
Released Mon, 27th May 2013

0:00 Lumdberg Glass.
3:04 Kyle Hebert intro.
3:45 Lovitz prod.
4:15 Lovitz at The Improv, complaining about the bathrooms.
5:00 Kevin smoking SkyWalker.
5:20 Kevin gives thanks to Meghan Quinlan, who is leaving Kevin. Kevin explains how to avoid leaving process in the Smith Household. Ralph gives thanks to everyone, Ralph explains his moustache, and that he has been filming A Million Days To Die in the West, in New Mexico.
9:10 Shout-Outs: Kevin lowers the bar. Adam and Matt from Birmingham, UK. Someone steals Kevin's bit. Paul McCartney shout-out for a place to stay.
11:54 David, Greg and Christina with a mad laugh. Celebrating graduation with The Germans. "Pussy √ľnt chocolate."
14:15 Karen, Kelly and Eric celebrate Mothers Day at the Lovitz. Ralph plugs ProFlowers. Kevin about to cry. Bane shows a mothers love. Huell Howser joins in. "I love seamen."
16:45 Chris and sis at The Improv. Ralph does Bob Hope. Bowie shout-out.
19:05 Email bag: Pepper from Newcastle, OK found a Clerks II bonus disc in the wake of the tornado. Thoughts to OK. Ralph advocates donating to The Red Cross.
20:30 Matthew ponders SMereal.
21:45 Ralph's Green Lantern Oath: Brad Campbell asks for Charlton Heston. "Soylent Green Lantern's light!"
22:54 Tinseltown Stiffs: Steve Forrest. S.W.A.T.
24:40 Tinseltown Stiff: Alan O'Day. Undercover Angel.
26:45 Tinseltown Stiff: Trevor Bolder. Sideburns.
28:10 Tinseltown Stiff: Ray Manzarek. Light My Fire.
30:15 Hollywood Helpers: (Wrong theme played). Helen Mirren plays The Queen. Kevin asks for forgiveness for Ralph.
34:25 Truck-stop glory hole.
35:00 Shit That Should Not Be: Zachary Hooper sends in Mr. Nanny.
38:10 SModCo ads. huluplus/Babble / Recipes by Ingredients
44:56 Exquisite Acting: Kevin loses control over the drowning dog. Sean Connery First Knight - WHY!
48:55 HBO Headlines: Amanda Bynes housewarming gift. Bong-ing! "Don't you know who I am?!" Mugshot.
54:20 Joe Francis Retarded. Kevin was on a plane with him, and explains the trip.
58:00 Lindsay Lohan is being sued For $5m. Kneepads. Dealer divulges buying habits.
1:01:15 Justin Bieber Milestone award. "Imaimaimaimaimaima artist!"
1:05:00 Bieber's monkey now property of Germany.
1:07:30 Farrah Abraham Backdoor Teen Mom's bikini up for auction.
1:09:45 Celebrity Sick Bay: George Michael Head injury.
1:11:11 Tim Curry had a stroke. Ralph cements his place in Hell.
1:13:00 Jada Pinkett-Smith on Willow's comeback.
1:14:40 Britney Spears has new music for Smurfs II. "FleshLight Smurf." "Sperm Bank Smurf."
1:17:15 Movies That Will Suck: The Toxic Avenger remake with Arnie.
1:19:30 Geek News: Damon Lindelof criticized for making the female in Star Trek strip naked.
1:21:20 Latino Review says Jonathan Rhys Myers will take a big role in the upcoming Star Wars trilogy. Ralph imitates a cholo and Harrison Ford.
1:22:50 Mark Hamill's pants from Star Wars undersold at auction.
1:24:15 Andrew Garfield shoots hoops dressed as Spider-Man with local kids in NY.
1:26:00 Found Action Comics #1 fetches $75000.
1:27:15 Liam Neeson's Cock jokes.



Hollywood Babble-On 126

Episode: Link.
Comments: "Recorded live at the Long Beach Laugh Factory on May 4, 2013."
Runtime: 2:05:03
Recorded Sat. 4th May, 2013
Released Mon, 6th May 2013

Episode notes courtesy of @Forgeticus

Note: this is the first episode recorded after the falling out with Jon Lovitz and the first public explanation to why they left the Jon Lovitz Podcast Theater.

0:00 Kyle Hebert intro.
0:40 Kevin feels the love all over his face, neck and chest.
1:05 Ralph feels it in his eye.
1:15 Happy to be in a REAL comedy club.
1:20 Ralph's does a Jon Lovitz "I'm a douchebag!"
1:30 Kevin wants to tell the Lovitz story quickly.
1:45 Ralph wanted to record a whole show about it.
2:40 This is a fucked up story. Jon Lovitz "That's the ticket! I'm a cocksucker!"
3:10 HBO started at SModcastle.
4:00 Kevin sucked Jon Lovitz's dick on ABC's of SNL podcast.
4:40 Door split for HBO was 90/10. 90% goes to Ralph/Kev.
6:00 Frank Kelly ran things at the Lovitz and was a 50/50 partner with Jon.
6:15 Jon Lovitz didn't know what a podcast was.
6:50 SModcastle closed because they were going to move into the top floor of Lovitz. Blog entry
7:35 Kevin bought the top floor of the Lovitz for $50,000.
8:30 Jon Lovitz hasn't been around his club much, it's more HBO's home.
9:20 The unraveling of a relationship
9:35 The last time the guys got paid was 5 months ago.
10:15 Quote "Hey Kev, you know we haven't been paid for any of the shows in 3 months?" "And I was lighting a joint with a $100 bill." "And then quickly putting that $100 bill out."
11:00 Kevin was going to move SIR to the 3rd floor of the Lovitz.
11:25 Heidi and Frank built a studio on the 2nd floor.
12:25 Ralph writes Jon a nice but stern email.
12:32 Kevin doesn't file a Staind joke.
12:55 Frank Kelley and Jon Lovitz had a falling out. Allegedly, Frank was forced out.
13:15 So now Jon Lovitz is in charge "And I'm not a business man!"
13:30 Every time they'd ask Jon about getting paid he'd blame Frank. "Frank stole your money!" Allegedly.
14:00 Apparently Jon wanted to bring in a new partner.
14:15 And more importantly we said, "It's not out fucking problem. Pay us."
14:45 Jon Lovitz wrote them checks "out of his own money" but it was $3000 short.
Jon said he'd check the math. "Yeah, he checked the math after I sent him all the documents proving the math"
15:45 "Pay me my fucking money!"
16:20 "Things don't smell kosher in Denmark anymore."
16:30 Ralph's Shakespearean accent impression.
17:40 After the money problems, Ralph and Kevin wanted 100% of the door, or $400 more so they could control the account.
17:50 The Lovitz makes $6000 to $7000 on booze when they do their show.
18:20 Jon said he couldn't afford to pay them extra or the club could close.
18:40 "Things don't smell kosher Denmark, we thought."
18:55 Ralph crafted another nice email. They'd like to open an account to automatically do the 90/10 split and deposit it accordingly.
19:40 Jon wrote an email back, and this is where things got weird.
19:50 Jon withdraws the normal 90/10 split for 50/50 split and takes their normal 8pm time slot away.
20:35 Consistently, HBO is the only show that sells out. So to take the time slot and a 40% cut is "a massive slap in the face with a very little dick"
21:20 Jon's new partner said "Well those guys are lucky to do the show here"
21:35 The guys work on an exit strategy at this point.
21:50 Kevin had an idea they can just do the show on the top floor, since he owns it. "while they're doing other shows down on the stage"
22:05 Now the game is let's just fuck with him as much as we can.
22:45 Jon tells Kevin he doesn't own the top floor. He was renting it for storage
22:55 Quote "Yeah, that's the ticket! You were.. err. renting it.. for storage"
23:30 Jon Lovitz just made up all up in his head. That someone would pay $50,000 to rent a place for storage just for the summer.
24:30 Kevin informed Jon he has a contract and a cancelled check that specifically mentions SmodCo Lounge in the memo.
24:35 Jon stopped sending emails, but told Kevin "You're crazy and cruel"
25:00 Kevin loved Jon. Wrote him into his scripts, had more ideas for ABC's of SNL.
26:00 Getting Jon to schedule time was like pulling teeth.
26:20 Lovitz called Obama an asshole. "He's taking my tax money. That Frank stole!" (Allegedly.)
27:00 If your club isn't doing well don't mess with the 1 night of the week that is.
27:30 "Pay me my fucking money!"
28:25 In 2 weeks HBO's new home will Los Angeles Improv on Melrose.
28:45 Jon's partner did say good luck trying to get that 90/10 deal anywhere else. "It did take us an entire day"
29:30 Kevin "The dude treated us like fucking dicks, so we went on our way."
30:00 Kevin still doesn't know what's going on with the 3rd floor, but Ralph wants a nudist colony.
30:45 Quote: "I would like to swing my giant pendulous balls over the railing while Jon's on stage and just play them like bongos.
31:35 Kevin Smith only has public feuds with 80's icons. Prince, Jon Lovitz, Bruce Willis.

33:30 Start of normal show. Kevin's doing the sound board tonight.
33:35 Shout-outs: Allison and Sam celebrating Allison getting her Masters. Ralph does Huell Howser.
35:50 Chris and Robert. Ralph and Kev sing the Fat Albert theme song. Chris is the Chewbacca to Robert's Han. Robert needs Chris to bang a girl with him so Robert can have a threesome with 2 women.
37:15 Kevin is confused. "You got me so far? It's only three people! Fucking follow me!"
37:30 This is a word problem. If Robert's on a train leaving from New York...
37:45 Ralph puts down his mic to drink.
38:55 Could Ed Wynn convince Chris to turn this girl into a pair of fingercuffs?
39:30 Quote "You could put it in her heiney, or in her hoo-haa, or in the talky part."
40:15 Kevin Wants to be Robert. Meanwhile he's fighting in emails with Jon Lovitz.
40:20 Both Kevin and Ralph have shared a woman with another guy. Audience wants the story.
40:35 "We can't tell it because it actually involves Lovitz as well."
40:55 Missile Ovalay (?) and his girlfriend Marrari. "Are you guys Ferengi or Klingon or something?"
41:40 Kev and Ralph both speak Klingon. Kevin: "Ick tock thu cha BABBLE ON!"
42:30 Kevin's creepy sexy voice.
43:10 Dale and Jill from Perth, Australia. Ralph does Australian Arnold Schwarzeneggar.
45:25 No more Lovitz talk, or drunk lady will yell at them again.
46:00 Chris and Lucy from Manchester, England (England). Kevin and Ralph both sing the song from Hair.
46:25 Manchester makes Ralph think of his friend Davy Jones, "The Manchester Cowboy". He used to literally ride monkeys.
49:05 The Germans give wish Chris and Lucy happy anniversary.
50:15 Email bag. Kevin fucks up the start and stopping of theme. Adam West: "And you're lucky to have parents."
50:50 Cop On Films, from Ireland has a new animation for Al Pachino's More Margaritas.
52:30 Robin from the UK wants to know how Ralph met Adam West. A K-ROQ charity CD where Batman spoils Christmas for kids.
56:00 Silas Mortenson sent in a photo of a DVD: Sean Connery vs The Cock. Ralph does Connery impression.
57:40 Lawrence and Vicky want David Bowie to congratulate them, they're getting married today.
1:00:40 Ralph's Green Lantern Oath: Keith from New Orleans wants Aaron Neville.
1:02:45 Tinseltown Stiffs: Slayer guitarist Jeff Hanneman. Article.
1:05:30 Tinseltown Stiff: Deanna Durbin, child star Video
1:09:05 Tinseltown Stiff: Chris Kelly from Kriss Kross 
1:11:55 Kevin asks "Do you unzip your fly to take a wizz?" "No, I just piss in my pants, Kevin"
1:12:30 Kevin just pulls his waistband down a little bit. Ralph has mastered the art of guiding his cock through a zipper.
1:14:40 Kriss Kross toured with Michael Jackson. Ralph does a quick impression.
14:35 Tinseltown Stiff: Kev adds one from last week: George Jones
1:15:25 Hollywood Helper: Al Pacino prevents drunk driving, loans couple his limo 
1:18:00 Kev-In: Iron Man, The Flintstones, Kiss. 
1:20:50 HBO Headlines: Lindsay Lohan
1:21:30 Lindsey Lohan why don't you come to your senses? Ralph: "No shit. This this this.. fucking bitch. It's like she's on a bet." She checked herself out of rehab. She's at Betty Ford Center. 
1:24:00 Charlie Sheen wants to give Amanda Bynes a guest spot to help her.
1:25:40 Amanda Bynes tweets topless photos of herself and has a twitter fight with Jenny Mccarthy. 1, 2, 3.
1:27:50 Amanda calls Jenny McCarthy an old lady. Amanda Bynes dances on the treadmill 
1:30:00 Reese Witherspoon being a total cunt to a cop when her husband was arrested for DUI. Arrest video
1:34:00 Teen Mom Farrah Abraham sold her sex tape for $1 million 
1:37:20 Kevin reccommends working in a convience store
1:39:00 Farrah working on her future endeavors: a stripper pole
1:40:35 Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys is writing an autobiography. 
1:41:05 Ralph wants an audiobook. Does his stroke voice impression of Brian Wilson. Audience bemoans. Turns into Bill Murray in Caddyshack.
1:41:30 Rocky the musical coming to US 2014  The Germans are excited. Ralph does Sylvester Stallion impression singing Rocky.
1:43:00 New Annie musical, working title "Tannie," Jamie Fox to play "Benjamin Stacks."
1:44:30 Pop scrotum Justin Beiber tried to skip customs in turkey. Stops concert because he was pelted by toys. 
1:47:10 Jonah Falcon, man with worlds largest penis, records shitty song "It's too big" 
1:50:15 Geek News: Spiderman steals $6000 from 90 year old man. 
1:52:45 The Knight Warrior gives up fighting crime. Chris (from shout-outs) claims to have met him. Ralph thinks he was the one that beat him up and made him retire.
1:54:40 Chris is the Knight Warrior's Joker. Chris is not a great super villain name.
1:55:55 Quote: "If you're a super hero, at least you should have a plan for punching."
1:57:25 It's May the 5th now. The Toledo Mudhens are uses Chewbacca uniforms this weekend.
1:58:25 How did no-one do Yoda Soda before? Star Wars jokes.
1:59:20 Liam Neeson's Cock jokes. Jimmy Stewart describes the length of it. Kev and Ralph do Jimmy Stewart impressions.