Hollywood Babble-On Helper: May 2013

Episode: Link.
Comments: "Recorded live at the Long Beach Laugh Factory on May 4, 2013."
Runtime: 2:05:03
Recorded Sat. 4th May, 2013
Released Mon, 6th May 2013

Episode notes courtesy of @Forgeticus

Note: this is the first episode recorded after the falling out with Jon Lovitz and the first public explanation to why they left the Jon Lovitz Podcast Theater.

0:00 Kyle Hebert intro.
0:40 Kevin feels the love all over his face, neck and chest.
1:05 Ralph feels it in his eye.
1:15 Happy to be in a REAL comedy club.
1:20 Ralph's does a Jon Lovitz "I'm a douchebag!"
1:30 Kevin wants to tell the Lovitz story quickly.
1:45 Ralph wanted to record a whole show about it.
2:40 This is a fucked up story. Jon Lovitz "That's the ticket! I'm a cocksucker!"
3:10 HBO started at SModcastle.
4:00 Kevin sucked Jon Lovitz's dick on ABC's of SNL podcast.
4:40 Door split for HBO was 90/10. 90% goes to Ralph/Kev.
6:00 Frank Kelly ran things at the Lovitz and was a 50/50 partner with Jon.
6:15 Jon Lovitz didn't know what a podcast was.
6:50 SModcastle closed because they were going to move into the top floor of Lovitz. Blog entry
7:35 Kevin bought the top floor of the Lovitz for $50,000.
8:30 Jon Lovitz hasn't been around his club much, it's more HBO's home.
9:20 The unraveling of a relationship
9:35 The last time the guys got paid was 5 months ago.
10:15 Quote "Hey Kev, you know we haven't been paid for any of the shows in 3 months?" "And I was lighting a joint with a $100 bill." "And then quickly putting that $100 bill out."
11:00 Kevin was going to move SIR to the 3rd floor of the Lovitz.
11:25 Heidi and Frank built a studio on the 2nd floor.
12:25 Ralph writes Jon a nice but stern email.
12:32 Kevin doesn't file a Staind joke.
12:55 Frank Kelley and Jon Lovitz had a falling out. Allegedly, Frank was forced out.
13:15 So now Jon Lovitz is in charge "And I'm not a business man!"
13:30 Every time they'd ask Jon about getting paid he'd blame Frank. "Frank stole your money!" Allegedly.
14:00 Apparently Jon wanted to bring in a new partner.
14:15 And more importantly we said, "It's not out fucking problem. Pay us."
14:45 Jon Lovitz wrote them checks "out of his own money" but it was $3000 short.
Jon said he'd check the math. "Yeah, he checked the math after I sent him all the documents proving the math"
15:45 "Pay me my fucking money!"
16:20 "Things don't smell kosher in Denmark anymore."
16:30 Ralph's Shakespearean accent impression.
17:40 After the money problems, Ralph and Kevin wanted 100% of the door, or $400 more so they could control the account.
17:50 The Lovitz makes $6000 to $7000 on booze when they do their show.
18:20 Jon said he couldn't afford to pay them extra or the club could close.
18:40 "Things don't smell kosher Denmark, we thought."
18:55 Ralph crafted another nice email. They'd like to open an account to automatically do the 90/10 split and deposit it accordingly.
19:40 Jon wrote an email back, and this is where things got weird.
19:50 Jon withdraws the normal 90/10 split for 50/50 split and takes their normal 8pm time slot away.
20:35 Consistently, HBO is the only show that sells out. So to take the time slot and a 40% cut is "a massive slap in the face with a very little dick"
21:20 Jon's new partner said "Well those guys are lucky to do the show here"
21:35 The guys work on an exit strategy at this point.
21:50 Kevin had an idea they can just do the show on the top floor, since he owns it. "while they're doing other shows down on the stage"
22:05 Now the game is let's just fuck with him as much as we can.
22:45 Jon tells Kevin he doesn't own the top floor. He was renting it for storage
22:55 Quote "Yeah, that's the ticket! You were.. err. renting it.. for storage"
23:30 Jon Lovitz just made up all up in his head. That someone would pay $50,000 to rent a place for storage just for the summer.
24:30 Kevin informed Jon he has a contract and a cancelled check that specifically mentions SmodCo Lounge in the memo.
24:35 Jon stopped sending emails, but told Kevin "You're crazy and cruel"
25:00 Kevin loved Jon. Wrote him into his scripts, had more ideas for ABC's of SNL.
26:00 Getting Jon to schedule time was like pulling teeth.
26:20 Lovitz called Obama an asshole. "He's taking my tax money. That Frank stole!" (Allegedly.)
27:00 If your club isn't doing well don't mess with the 1 night of the week that is.
27:30 "Pay me my fucking money!"
28:25 In 2 weeks HBO's new home will Los Angeles Improv on Melrose.
28:45 Jon's partner did say good luck trying to get that 90/10 deal anywhere else. "It did take us an entire day"
29:30 Kevin "The dude treated us like fucking dicks, so we went on our way."
30:00 Kevin still doesn't know what's going on with the 3rd floor, but Ralph wants a nudist colony.
30:45 Quote: "I would like to swing my giant pendulous balls over the railing while Jon's on stage and just play them like bongos.
31:35 Kevin Smith only has public feuds with 80's icons. Prince, Jon Lovitz, Bruce Willis.

33:30 Start of normal show. Kevin's doing the sound board tonight.
33:35 Shout-outs: Allison and Sam celebrating Allison getting her Masters. Ralph does Huell Howser.
35:50 Chris and Robert. Ralph and Kev sing the Fat Albert theme song. Chris is the Chewbacca to Robert's Han. Robert needs Chris to bang a girl with him so Robert can have a threesome with 2 women.
37:15 Kevin is confused. "You got me so far? It's only three people! Fucking follow me!"
37:30 This is a word problem. If Robert's on a train leaving from New York...
37:45 Ralph puts down his mic to drink.
38:55 Could Ed Wynn convince Chris to turn this girl into a pair of fingercuffs?
39:30 Quote "You could put it in her heiney, or in her hoo-haa, or in the talky part."
40:15 Kevin Wants to be Robert. Meanwhile he's fighting in emails with Jon Lovitz.
40:20 Both Kevin and Ralph have shared a woman with another guy. Audience wants the story.
40:35 "We can't tell it because it actually involves Lovitz as well."
40:55 Missile Ovalay (?) and his girlfriend Marrari. "Are you guys Ferengi or Klingon or something?"
41:40 Kev and Ralph both speak Klingon. Kevin: "Ick tock thu cha BABBLE ON!"
42:30 Kevin's creepy sexy voice.
43:10 Dale and Jill from Perth, Australia. Ralph does Australian Arnold Schwarzeneggar.
45:25 No more Lovitz talk, or drunk lady will yell at them again.
46:00 Chris and Lucy from Manchester, England (England). Kevin and Ralph both sing the song from Hair.
46:25 Manchester makes Ralph think of his friend Davy Jones, "The Manchester Cowboy". He used to literally ride monkeys.
49:05 The Germans give wish Chris and Lucy happy anniversary.
50:15 Email bag. Kevin fucks up the start and stopping of theme. Adam West: "And you're lucky to have parents."
50:50 Cop On Films, from Ireland has a new animation for Al Pachino's More Margaritas.
52:30 Robin from the UK wants to know how Ralph met Adam West. A K-ROQ charity CD where Batman spoils Christmas for kids.
56:00 Silas Mortenson sent in a photo of a DVD: Sean Connery vs The Cock. Ralph does Connery impression.
57:40 Lawrence and Vicky want David Bowie to congratulate them, they're getting married today.
1:00:40 Ralph's Green Lantern Oath: Keith from New Orleans wants Aaron Neville.
1:02:45 Tinseltown Stiffs: Slayer guitarist Jeff Hanneman. Article.
1:05:30 Tinseltown Stiff: Deanna Durbin, child star Video
1:09:05 Tinseltown Stiff: Chris Kelly from Kriss Kross
1:11:55 Kevin asks "Do you unzip your fly to take a wizz?" "No, I just piss in my pants, Kevin"
1:12:30 Kevin just pulls his waistband down a little bit. Ralph has mastered the art of guiding his cock through a zipper.
1:14:40 Kriss Kross toured with Michael Jackson. Ralph does a quick impression.
14:35 Tinseltown Stiff: Kev adds one from last week: George Jones
1:15:25 Hollywood Helper: Al Pacino prevents drunk driving, loans couple his limo
1:18:00 Kev-In: Iron Man, The Flintstones, Kiss.
1:20:50 HBO Headlines: Lindsay Lohan
1:21:30 Lindsey Lohan why don't you come to your senses? Ralph: "No shit. This this this.. fucking bitch. It's like she's on a bet." She checked herself out of rehab. She's at Betty Ford Center.
1:24:00 Charlie Sheen wants to give Amanda Bynes a guest spot to help her.
1:25:40 Amanda Bynes tweets topless photos of herself and has a twitter fight with Jenny Mccarthy. 1, 2, 3.
1:27:50 Amanda calls Jenny McCarthy an old lady. Amanda Bynes dances on the treadmill
1:30:00 Reese Witherspoon being a total cunt to a cop when her husband was arrested for DUI. Arrest video
1:34:00 Teen Mom Farrah Abraham sold her sex tape for $1 million
1:37:20 Kevin reccommends working in a convience store
1:39:00 Farrah working on her future endeavors: a stripper pole
1:40:35 Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys is writing an autobiography.
1:41:05 Ralph wants an audiobook. Does his stroke voice impression of Brian Wilson. Audience bemoans. Turns into Bill Murray in Caddyshack.
1:41:30 Rocky the musical coming to US 2014 The Germans are excited. Ralph does Sylvester Stallion impression singing Rocky.
1:43:00 New Annie musical, working title "Tannie," Jamie Fox to play "Benjamin Stacks."
1:44:30 Pop scrotum Justin Beiber tried to skip customs in turkey. Stops concert because he was pelted by toys.
1:47:10 Jonah Falcon, man with worlds largest penis, records shitty song "It's too big"
1:50:15 Geek News: Spiderman steals $6000 from 90 year old man.
1:52:45 The Knight Warrior gives up fighting crime. Chris (from shout-outs) claims to have met him. Ralph thinks he was the one that beat him up and made him retire.
1:54:40 Chris is the Knight Warrior's Joker. Chris is not a great super villain name.
1:55:55 Quote: "If you're a super hero, at least you should have a plan for punching."
1:57:25 It's May the 5th now. The Toledo Mudhens are uses Chewbacca uniforms this weekend.
1:58:25 How did no-one do Yoda Soda before? Star Wars jokes.
1:59:20 Liam Neeson's Cock jokes. Jimmy Stewart describes the length of it. Kev and Ralph do Jimmy Stewart impressions.

Hollywood Babble-On 127

Hollywood Babble-On 126